Zemblanity, Suicide and My Family - R U OK?

Foreword/Update

Thursday 9 September 2021

Another year has passed, and unfortunately many lives have also passed needlessly, with anxiety and depression aided and abetted by the Covid-19 pandemic and the domino effect it has caused in peoples lives.

This year, more than ever, we may be able to save someone from acting on their darkest thoughts by asking RUOK?

Thursday 10 September 2015 – Sydney Australia

I originally wrote this post to coincide with the annual R U OK? Day in Australia on 10 September 2014.

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Life for each one of us (and our family, friends and colleagues) is a 24/7, 365/6 days a year thing for as long as we inhabit planet earth. So?

If U R OK 2Day why not ask someone that means something to you "R U OK?" today and every day?

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Today, is R U OK? Day - Wikipedia: "in Australia an annual day in September dedicated to remind people to ask family, friends and colleagues the question, "R U OK?” in a meaningful way, because connecting regularly and meaningfully is one thing everyone can do to make a difference and even save lives.”

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I have participated and promoted this day in past years. However, this last week has driven the relevance of the message of R U OK? home to me and our family - massively.

I awoke in the early hours last Saturday morning, probably about 2 am. Sandie and I were out in the country minding the 50 acre farm of our friends whilst they attended a family wedding. I usually go to sleep with an ear bud from my Galaxy Note 3 in my right ear and a podcast or Audible book playing (a habit of mine over the years to drown out the tinnitus buzzing in my ears).

My waking thoughts were not of the business topic I had fallen asleep listening to, but of Susannah. Susannah and Matt. And the thoughts were painful.

I had only thought of Susannah and Matt for the first time in ages, on the previous two days.

Firstly, on the Thursday, when I gave a presentation, “Social Media & Networking Strategies for Hills Mental Health Organisations” to our local government area’s Hills Mental Health Interagency.

Secondly when talking on the phone on Friday to Deena, one of the attendees, about a charity that he had established for treating depression and reducing the contemplation of suicide by way of the diversionary use of martial arts.

The stories of Susannah and Matt (friends of our family) had come up in our conversations.

The Tragic Loss of Teenagers to the Word we Fear to Speak

Eighteen years ago when my youngest Daughter Nat (Natalie) was 14 years young , Susannah, who was one of her best friends and the same age, as a result of a minor family tiff, or so it seemed, went upstairs, picked up a skipping rope and hung herself from her wardrobe.

Susannah was a bright, happy, effervescent girl and a leader in her year at school.

A few years later, Matt at 19 years young, decided to end his life by diverting the exhaust fumes into the cabin of the car thus causing carbon monoxide asphyxiation.

Our friends, whose house we were sleeping at last weekend, for a number of years prior to Matt’s suicide, had become his legal guardians after the divorce of his adopted parents. Our friends had raised Matt and helped him with his schooling at the same school as Susannah and our daughters.

So at 2 am or so, I am wide awake thinking of these two teenagers that we lost so long ago and the heartache and misery that was left with their friends, family and schoolmates.

Back last Thursday, at the mental health meeting, I had mentioned two things that had relevance to my early morning cogitations.

1) I had, half jokingly, made an off-the-cuff comment in my introduction, to the effect that, as well as using social media strategically for the benefit of the attendees' organizations, perhaps, unfortunately, Social Media could also be considered a contributor to depression and the ultimate and most final of decisions in our society.

2) I had also drawn the attendees notice to the fact that LinkedIn users could now use the LinkedIn publishing platform, initially used only by LinkedIn Influencers, once they had the function enabled for them by LinkedIn.

I also mentioned that, although I had been publisher enabled for some time, I had delayed using it for some upcoming projects that I wanted to leverage by utilising the LinkedIn publishing platform.

But now, as I lay staring out the window at the faint wisps of clouds caught in the early morning moonlight, I was grappling with a nagging prompting to write a LinkedIn post on this most delicate and fragile subject.

Sleep became my friend once again, and temporarily delayed the internal toing and froing, the tug of war of the early morning prompting and my wanting to push back those resurrected memories into the deepest and darkest recesses of my mind.

Another Tragedy - only a few days before R U OK Day

As Sandie and I awoke to that bright and sunny Saturday morning in the country, I tentatively started to raise the issues of Susannah and Matt with her and the effect on us, our girls, now all in their thirties, and the families and friends of these two beloved teenagers. I said that having woken in the wee small hours I had felt an uncomfortable urge to write a LinkedIn article about Susannah and Matt.

As we discussed this and other matters, I received a text message on my phone from our daughter Nat, back home in Sydney. (Mobile Phone reception on the farm is iffy at best) Sandie eventually decided to go downstairs and try to call Nat on her iPhone, hopefully with better reception.

She returned to our bedroom only to break some tragic news.

On Friday, the day before, Karmah, a bright and happy 14 year young girl that Sandie had looked after for many years at Before and After School Care at the previous school where Sandy had worked, had committed suicide.

The cause?

Apparently due to bullying.

Sandie, of course, was understandably devastated.

Is it always darkest before the dawn?

On this bright and sunny morning?

For us, it was not.

ZEMBLANITY

I am a great believer in Serendipity: a "fortunate happenstance" or "pleasant surprise".

However serendipity IS NOT a word that was applicable with this news nor indeed our other two close associations with suicide so many years ago.

As we returned from our long weekend in the country, I debated internally with myself, whether or not I should share these painful experiences. I also wondered what the antonym for Serendipity was.

So I Googled it.

zemblanity

(n.) the inevitable discovery of what we would rather not know; the opposite of serendipity.

William Boyd coined the term zemblanity to mean somewhat the opposite of serendipity: "making unhappy, unlucky and expected discoveries occurring by design ".

If we don't ask the simple question R U OK? of someone we know who is teetering on the brink, we may experience more zemblanity.

Discovering their ultimate demise.

How can we transform zemblanity into serendipity?

Sandie reminded me, that at the memorial service for Susannah, almost two decades ago, the Principal of the school that Susannah and our three daughters had attended, made this comment in his eulogy for Susannah to her family, friends and schoolmates:

Suicide is a permanent solution to temporary problems.

I decided to goolge that phrase as well.

And what did I find?

A poignant YouTube:

Suicide: A permanent solution to a temporary problem

Run Time: 3:49

A suicide awareness video. This was made for Jessica Buckley and I's college class at Morgan Community College.

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So, what was the point of me opening up old wounds, so to speak, for me, and writing about these zemblanity issues? The things that we would probably prefer not to talk about?

I want to make at least a small contribution to transforming, for some people at least, zemblanity into serendipity.

As Actor Hugh Jackman shares why he supports R U OK:

"Nothing beats face-to-face time; time with each other, time with family, time with friends."

Run Time: 1:28

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If the truth be known

The dark tentacles of depression have enfolded me in times of of failure, or perceived failure. In the contemplation of the the end and the means to that end, the one thing that has enabled me to shake off those negative and debilitating thoughts has been, not the memories of Susannah and Matt so much, but the pain that their families, friends and school mates have carried with them for the rest of their lives.

How could I inflict that enduring pain on my family, friends and colleagues.

AM I OK?

Yes, today I am. Thanks for asking.

R U OK?

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If this post strikes a chord with you, for any reason, and you feel comfortable in sharing it with others, please do so.

(If, on the other hand, you don’t feel comfortable in sharing it, can I say to you, sincerely, that’s OK. And I mean it. It was a struggle for me to labor over the keyboard for what seemed an eternity and with a heavy heart - and I understand).

If you can think of someone who you think might be traveling a rough road at present, give them a call, drop in if you are nearby, meet them for a coffee or tea, or send them a message and see if you can have a brief chat.

And not just today.

Be aware, look for the tell tale signs and perhaps check out the R U OK website https://www.ruok.org.au

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Find help

The truth is, some conversations just become too big for friends. If you’re worried about someone and feel urgent professional support is needed, contact your local doctor or the agencies below. And if your need is life threatening, call 000 (Australia only) without delay.

https://www.ruok.org.au/find-help

(It doesn’t matter if you’re in Australia or not – this is a human problem of world proportions and a growing one).

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